I’ve been holding off on writing this for some time. Shame on me! It’s long overdue and I think the timing is right. In fact, the timing is always right when it comes to seeking solutions to massive problems. Trust me, this problem is huge. So big that it has made it’s way into virtually every facet of our society. From the halls of Congress to the town council room; from the courthouse to the church house; from our school to our homes; from our workplaces to our entertainment; from our daily conversations to our social media accounts; The problem is everywhere! And it’s getting worse!
Please understand that it’s not going to fix itself, and won’t magically go away if we act like the child playing pretend, closing our eyes, plugging our ears, and wishing it away. The solution is going to take time, patience, and healing. The solution won’t be easy, but it’s necessary.
So let me start with the problem and then I’ll give you what I believe is the solution to said problem.
The Mess
I can’t put my finger on it, don’t know when it started, and have no idea how we got as far as we have without a massive halt from the collective of society. For years if not decades, our culture has been enthralled by hatred. Through a myriad of different societal avenues, we have fallen for the vicious lies that have purposefully divided us and destroyed what we once held onto as core principles.
Whether it’s divisive politically (in)correct wedge issues, a marketing and advertising ploy, or a rampant smear campaign on commonality; hatred and bitterness are everywhere. Over the last several decades, we have seen an escalation in division come to what many are considering a near fever pitch. Tensions are high. Tempers have flared. Petulance is unbridled. What’s worse is that so many who have waded (if not dove) into the mire of hatred, outrage, and bitterness, find self and societal justification for their behavior.
So many have self-reasoned that their actions, words, or thoughts are appropriate. Thus, they have driven themselves to the point of madness. Yes I do mean an absurdity, but also anger. So many are angry. Very angry! Truthfully, one of the main reasons why so many now act this way is because they hate themselves. They hate who they’ve become, who they are not, and who they cannot be. This isn’t good. In fact, it leads to a culture filled with narcissistic, self-aggrandizing, and grossly immature members.
Once we’ve self-rationalized, we then turn to the group. Since so many others are filled with hatred, it’s pretty easy to find a commonality with others who are ready to go to war over a particular molehill. Knit picking, social media bullying, and tribal warfare are commonplace. What you’ll find are entire segments of society who have become disenfranchised to the point of isolation.
Here’s the problem: hateful people hate other people. So it’s not long before the group turns on itself and becomes embittered. This leads to further isolation. In turn, we are left with lonely, depressed, anxious, and exhausted individuals. Now that they hate who they are and feel like everyone else hates them, many take their life into their own hands. Sadly, suicide becomes a reasonable alternative to an awfully unreasonable existence.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (ASFP), suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. On average, there are 129 Suicides per day, and white males accounted for nearly 70% of all suicides. There has been a subtle, but steady uptick in the suicide rate every year for the past decade. Click here for ASFP website Sadly, these statistics only reflect reported and determined suicides. It is alarming how many suicides go unreported or are never determined to be anything other than accidents.
This is heartbreaking and it shouldn’t be this way. Something has to change!
The Solution
Before you read on, let me explain something. I am not naive. As stated before, I don’t believe there is a “one size fits all” approach to this problem. I don’t believe that we should just “go along (with lies) to get along”. I can’t tell you that if you choose to be a part of the solution that everyone with whom you interact will reciprocate your behavior. And please read this part carefully. I don’t care what side of the aisle, argument, or acronym you are on; we can find something in common and we can both be part of the solution.
Here’s what I do know. I know that if we do nothing, this massive problem won’t go away. If we tuck our hands in our pockets and mutter “I don’t know” the beast will just get bigger. If we choose to sit idly by while our brothers and sisters drift down the path of bitterness and anger, then shame on us!
There is a solution and you can choose to be a part of it.
I have seen the power of a kind word of the face of a angry man. Yes very angry! He was angry about God knows what, but the person on the receiving end of his wrath chose to see past the performance (the man’s anger) and see the person. Ultimately, the angry man felt disrespected. He needed to be heard. After his tirade, the person on the receiving end said in a non-patronizing way, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Let me help you. I am grateful for you and your feelings.” Whatever the case, Kind words go a long way.
We do not have to agree to be kind. You do not have to condone, accept, or rationalize another person’s behavior in order to be kind to them. You can be kind to people with whom you have adamant disagreements. It’s okay. Yes, it really is okay if you disagree, but it isn’t okay if you vociferously object while demeaning another person. Now before the truth police come and lock me up for being soft, hear me out. You can disagree, share the truth, and still do it in a kind, loving manner. After all, isn’t it so much easier to catch flies with honey rather than vinegar. Win the person, not the argument.
Kindness in action mustn’t be overlooked. When is the last time you went out of your way to be kind? People need each other. John Donne wrote, “No man is an island entire of itself…” I need you, and you need me. And we all need each other to be kind. Civility, collegiality, and common courtesy will go a long way in solving the problem of hatred addiction.
How?
I have to go first. I cannot expect you to be kind if I’m not. This means that I am going to need to learn humility. To be kind you must be humble. The knee-jerk reaction to being disrespected is to reciprocate. What if, instead of responding in kind, we chose to be humble and kind? Instead of reciprocating anger and bitterness, take a step back and ask yourself the question, “Why is this person reacting this way, and what can I do to help them?”
Some might warn that this mentality leads to being trampled all over like a doormat. Nothing could be further from the truth. Victims feel like they have no choice. Kind people choose to be kind and know that they are ultimately victorious no matter the outcome. You don’t have to condescend to be kind. You do have to relate to people to be kind. Isn’t that what we are after? Good, solid, mature relationships. The ones where we can disagree and still move forward.
This is not peace through passivity. There will be times when you will have to stand your ground. There will be times when protecting what is sacred requires a ferocious passion. And yes, There will be times when we must rise to the occasion and defend what we hold dear with our “lives, fortunes, and our sacred honor. ” (Declaration of Independence)
However, in nearly all of our daily interactions we can choose kindness. We can be civil. We can exercise humility. Kindness, civility, and a humble spirit are a choice. So, my friend, if you’ve made it this far, let me send you on your way with a parting word.
Choose to be kind. Be kind first. Reach out to the lonely, depressed, anxious, and exhausted with a kind word or deed. Choose to be kind today.
Mid River Reflections 