August 2021 – Mid River Reflections

Taking Practical Steps To Personal Growth

Growth is a choice. That’ right. The ball is in your court and you get to decide whether you grow up and pursue the path toward manhood or if you remain the same and settle for perpetual immaturity. As I stated in the first article of this series, the way men get out of the mess we are in and avoid or correct the Manhood Meltdown is by not contributing to the self perpetuating death spiral. The only way we can help young men is by growing into manhood ourselves.

In my latest article, I shared Mark Batterson’s principle of “Making decisions against yourself.” By this he means that men can’t go with the flow, or with our own whims and will. In order to grow, we must choose the path of most resistance. We must choose to do difficult things. We must man up and grow up.

Below, I’ll give you 5 steps that I think are necessary to growing into manhood. Is this a replete list? No. But I think it’s a great place to start in our journey pursuing manhood.

Dare To Put Yourself Out There: Take Risks!

If you want to grow, you must decide to assert yourself. Go ahead, put yourself out there. The reason so many men don’t catch the touchdown pass or make the game winning 3 point shot to win the state championship is because they never tried out for the team. Yes, there’s a certain level of talent that must be honed to be a fine running back, power forward, or short stop, but far too many boys don’t get out there and try. while chatting with a State Champion High School football coach and retired NFL’er, he revealed that he believed the greatest quarterbacks and free safeties at his high school never played! He had incredibly talented teams, but the jarring reality is that the teams could’ve been better had the all the boys who should’ve tried out put themselves out there.

The same is true of grown men. Whether a business venture, difficult choice, or asking that girl out, so many shrink back and far too few charge forward. Why is this? Possibly because it’s easier to settle of passivity. Possibly because fear paralyzes the mind and legs. Possibly because we like the trappings of the familiar. To these potentialities I say, “Be assertive. Be bold and courageous. Be adventurous.” You were made to pursue and hunt. I’ll share more about passivity and assertiveness in the articles to come, but for now know that that you have what it takes, so move forward in confidence.

I hear the objections now! “Are you saying men should take blind risks?” or “What about the failure I can’t overcome?” If you know anything about me, you know that my #1 rule for life is ,”Don’t be stupid!” Always do your homework and research before you leap. Make intelligent and calculated choices before you risk. But move past research and planning to action! If you are afraid of failure, be comforted and motivated by what a wise old friend of mine once told me. He said, “Son, you can’t make too big of a mess that God can’t clean up.” Rest in the strength, courage, and adventurous spirit of our Heavenly Father!

I can’t remember if it was The Great One, Wayne Gretzky or some mid-level manager in an obscure office supply store in the rust belt of Pennsylvania, but I know for sure that one of them said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Listen Intentionally: Humbly Seek Mentorship.

Speaking of old friends, you need them. In fact, you need 3 different people in your life. You need a mentor of father-figure to share the wisdom he’s gathered over time. You need contemporaries who you can do life with and bounce ideas off of. And you need someone to pour into, guide, and mentor.

The word intentional has been used so much over the last few years that I’m afraid it’s lost some of it’s effective meaning. By telling you that you need to listen intentionally, I’m saying that you need to actively, earnestly, and attentively listen to the wisdom offered by those who will invest in your personal growth. So man times we have a proclivity to think that we’ve got it all figured out or that we can’t possibly have time to submit to direction. Sincerely friend, you can’t afford not to be invested in. In his book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge explains to the reader that one of the saddest things that a man could ever say or think of himself is that he is a “self made man.” How lonely and frightening a path that must be to walk? Submit to wise counsel. Be teachable. Listen intentionally.

It’s a really good idea to engage in a peer group as well. This will provide support, encouragement, and ultimately accountability for you and others. Live by Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” We are made for connectivity. You aren’t made to be an island, so get plugged in. (See step one if there are objections) Whether it’s a running or fitness club, Bible study, shooting club, or bowling league, find those that you can do life with and have fun!

Once you begin to experience growth, intentionally pour into those who are younger. This may be a natural fit with your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews. Otherwise, volunteer at a kid’s club, elementary school, or church. As has already been overly-stated, children need men in their lives who will invest in them and help them answer the question “do I have what it takes.” Give liberally. Be kind and honest. Exhibit the same grace and humility afforded to you by your mentor.

Learn Voraciously: Don’t Settle For What You Already Know!

I love Jeopardy!(!) Honestly I’ve struggled to watch since Alex Trebek passed away, but before he died I DVR’ed every episode and watch them all. I know, I’m a nerd! But I know that I have to continually feed my craving for knowledge. Much of Jeopardy! is just fun facts made for party tricks, but there’s something to be said for a man who will commit himself to learning more and applying what he learns.

The man who can’t be taught anything is truly ignorant. There is always, always, always something more to learn. I’ve been told stories about a UCLA professor who would bring a fish in a bowl into the classroom. He would have his students write down things they noticed about the fish. When they would turn it in, he’d ask, “Is that all you noticed? Tell me more.” He would then send them away to write 5 more things. By most accounts, this would go on for 2-3 weeks. (I need to know the secret to keeping a fish alive in a bowl for that long) Most remarkably, the students presented uniquely new findings with each pass at the fish. What’s the point? There’s always more to learn.

Amazingly, you live in one tiny corner of our solar system which is just a blip in the midst of the Milky Way Galaxy. Most astronomers tell us that the Milky Way is one of countless galaxy in the “known universe.” The awesome Creator God put you in the largest, most vast and expansive universe not only so that you could marvel at His beautiful creation, but so that we could know Him more deeply and intimately. Louie Giglio explains all of this so eloquently in many of his talks and books. He talks about the strange and startling shrinking effect that comes over a man who has this revelation. Know this, the God that made all that is, did it so that we may know Him. Yes, know about Him, but far more significantly so that we can know Him intimately and personally.

Don’t settle for what you already know. Grow in knowledge and apply what you learn. One of the greatest marks of manhood is quiet wisdom. Lean into Learning and pursue God’s wisdom.

Work Hard, REALLY HARD: Gain The Competitive Advantage.

One of my favorite stories in all of sports is the rivalry between Earvin “Magic” Johnson and Larry “Legend” Bird. What is arguably one of the fiercest rivalries in all of sports history, these two men were driven to accomplish so much through hard work and determination. Between the two, they only won 8 NBA titles and 5 NBA MVPs! My favorite story from the rivalry (and there are tons of good ones) is the one Larry Bird would tell about practicing free throws.

Both men were known for their tireless work ethic and extreme practice regimen. Second to only Michael Jordan, these two were crazy competitive. Larry would shoot 500 free throws in personal practice. He’d walk off the court and think to himself, “What if Magic shot 500?” He’d get back on the court and shoot 500 more free throws. The rivalry cooled over the years, but one thing for certain was produced by this fierce competition; Greatness.

You need competition. More than that, you need to be competitive. Be fierce in your work ethic. This goes way beyond the “don’t quit” mantra. Instead it’s, “get better, fight hard, work harder!” Put in the time and effort to succeed. In case you’re wondering, this isn’t a “Win at all cost” idea. Quite the opposite. Instead, as we grow in manhood, we’ll gain the discernment necessary to work hard on the things that matter. You can’t succeed in your business to the detriment of your relationships. Relationship are hard work, so apply yourself to them ferociously. Your wife matters, keep pursuing her passionately. Your children matter, so pursue them intensely. George Barna said, “It’s a race to the heart of our children, and the first one there wins.” Strive. Compete. Work Hard. Win!

Stay Hungry: Don’t Get Complacent

There is a real danger in complacency! There’s certainly no problem with being comfortable, but when we lose our appetite, desire, and drive, we run the risk of getting fat. Yes physically, but mentally and spiritually, too. Deep in the heart of every man is a drive to pursue greatness. But, what is greatness?

For a few, it’s being President and Leader of the Free World. For some, it’s leading a fortune 500 company. For others, it’s leading a life that honors and worships God. Success and greatness are not abstract terms, neither are they absolute blanket benchmarks for all people. I think my idea of success comes from a guy that lost his mind. John “The Baptist” was beheaded by the King of the land, Herod, for speaking truth to power. In the Gospel of John the Apostle, John “the Baptist” says, He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30 ESV)

True success comes when I abandon my ambitions and seek first God’s Kingdom. Max Lucado writes about this at length in his book, It’s Not about Me: Rescue from the Life We Thought Would Make Us Happy. There’s something absolutely freeing in the reality that our pursuit of greatness is singularly found in God’s divine purpose. “What’s next?” has been one of my life’s motto’s. Not so much in checking boxes on a to-do list (yes, there will always be more to do), but more in continually discovering and being hungry for what God has for me. He’s a big God with Big Plans, and I think it’s awesome that He allows me to be a part of it all! Stay hungry, my friends!

I leave you with a poem from Rudyard Kipling that I memorized in grade school. I remember so many of it’s lines to this day. Here are the words to IF:

If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;   
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

I’ll never forget the moment that I started growing up as a man. In a Bob Evans Restaurant somewhere outside Detroit, Michigan, a grey-haired man looked into the eyes of a then brown haired boy (I’m struggling to hold onto any hair I can now) and said, “Real men keep their word.” The night before I made a commitment to attend a meeting early that morning. The time for me wake up, get ready, and go to that meeting came and went. Where was I, still in bed.

Perhaps the most significant part of this transaction from seasoned veteran to recent college graduate and newlywed was the subtle look of disappointment that I saw in his eye. Now, I could’ve taken that as a sign of his frustration or irritation, instead I looked at it as his way of beckoning me forward on a long and winding journey toward true manhood. His disappointed look told me, “He believes in you.” To this day, I can still hear him saying to me over two eggs over easy, “Real men keep their word.”

The question

There is a deep longing and desire tucked deep in the heart and mind of every boy. It’s a question he asks himself over and over. The longing manifests itself in many different ways that can often be ill-perceived by those on the receiving end of those manifestations. What is this desire or question that every boy needs an answer to? I’m glad you asked! The question he asks incessantly is, “Do I have what it takes.”

In his book Fathered by God, John Eldredge explains to those with this longing that there is really only one person that can answer this question. Every boy is secretly, and sometimes not so secretly begging their Father to answer that question. Sadly, so many boys grow into bigger boys and never men because the dad they had wouldn’t answer the question, they didn’t have a dad to answer the question, or there was no father-figure to help them with a sense of approval. Most devastatingly, far too many young men in their adolescent years turn to inadequate peer groups, sexual encounters with young women, abusive men, substance abuse, and gangs to solve the riddle, “Do I have what it takes.”

The good news is that we have a Heavenly Daddy that loves us, cares for us, and wants what’s best for us. He willingly answered the question that plagues the young man’s heart and mind when He sent His Son Jesus Christ to prove His love and devotion to us.

To those influenced by the pandemic of male immaturity:

Young men: you have what it takes. You are loved by God and uniquely equipped by Him to do what He’s calling you to. If you have a good earthly dad of father-figure, lean into their love and teaching. If you don’t have a dad, I’m praying for you. I pray you find the man on this earth that will help you answer the question. If you have a bad father, I am praying for you to grow in spite of the harm, abuse, or neglect that you have or are experiencing. Reach out to men who can help you as pursue true manhood.

Seasoned men: you have what it takes. Sadly, many of you grew up without ever having the question answered. But please turn your pain or grief into a winning solution by fathering, mentoring, and answering the question in young men. Love your children. Help them grow. Be the dad you loved, the one you wish you had, or the opposite of the terrible father you once had. Take ownership. Don’t be a victim, live victoriously. Grow up.

Ladies: You are amazing. You, too have what it takes. Mom, far too often you are left to handle way too much. Young lady, don’t settle for the immature “guy” (as my friend Chuck Holton would call him). There are still men who are growing, reaching, and fighting to join the ranks of those worthy to be called men. Please know that there are “good guys” out there and when the time is right and God brings the right man into your life, God will bless that relationship.

How do men grow?

There’s so much that could be said here, but in my experience and what I’ve seen in the experience of others, men start to grow when they start making decisions against themselves. Mark Batterson, in his book Play the Man, speaks to men at length about this growth step. The key to this step is that a man begins to know the end of himself. He yields himself to the understanding that his heart may not always know best and that the choices he makes greatly impact the life he leads. “Making decisions against yourself” requires a level a humility that is vital to growth. Yes! In order to grow we must be humble.

This is just the starting point. In my next article, I’ll give some very practical steps on how men can grow up and continually pursue that path toward manhood. The word “continually” is used intentionally here. The maturation of a boy into a man takes time, effort, and fortitude. Without a continual daily walk down the path toward manhood, a boy will drift, wander, or regress on the path.

Walt Disney really messed with our heads and changed the way we think about life. He created this idea that there are “magic moments” in life. Let me be candid, there will never be a magical moment when you wake up and realize you are a man. No. Instead what you’ll notice on your journey is the progression toward manhood through experience, wisdom, and effort. There is always room to grow. There is always a chance to get better. There is always a lesson to learn.

With that said, know that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you, cares for you, and wants to call you His child. Lean into Him, embrace His love, grow in His wisdom. Then, my friend, you will be on the true path toward being the man you desperately want and need to be.

Month: August 2021

Growing Up: How do we pursue the path toward manhood?