Tag: manhood

Growing Up: How do we pursue the path toward manhood?

Mitch Prosser

Taking Practical Steps To Personal Growth

Growth is a choice. That’ right. The ball is in your court and you get to decide whether you grow up and pursue the path toward manhood or if you remain the same and settle for perpetual immaturity. As I stated in the first article of this series, the way men get out of the mess we are in and avoid or correct the Manhood Meltdown is by not contributing to the self perpetuating death spiral. The only way we can help young men is by growing into manhood ourselves.

In my latest article, I shared Mark Batterson’s principle of “Making decisions against yourself.” By this he means that men can’t go with the flow, or with our own whims and will. In order to grow, we must choose the path of most resistance. We must choose to do difficult things. We must man up and grow up.

Below, I’ll give you 5 steps that I think are necessary to growing into manhood. Is this a replete list? No. But I think it’s a great place to start in our journey pursuing manhood.

Dare To Put Yourself Out There: Take Risks!

If you want to grow, you must decide to assert yourself. Go ahead, put yourself out there. The reason so many men don’t catch the touchdown pass or make the game winning 3 point shot to win the state championship is because they never tried out for the team. Yes, there’s a certain level of talent that must be honed to be a fine running back, power forward, or short stop, but far too many boys don’t get out there and try. while chatting with a State Champion High School football coach and retired NFL’er, he revealed that he believed the greatest quarterbacks and free safeties at his high school never played! He had incredibly talented teams, but the jarring reality is that the teams could’ve been better had the all the boys who should’ve tried out put themselves out there.

The same is true of grown men. Whether a business venture, difficult choice, or asking that girl out, so many shrink back and far too few charge forward. Why is this? Possibly because it’s easier to settle of passivity. Possibly because fear paralyzes the mind and legs. Possibly because we like the trappings of the familiar. To these potentialities I say, “Be assertive. Be bold and courageous. Be adventurous.” You were made to pursue and hunt. I’ll share more about passivity and assertiveness in the articles to come, but for now know that that you have what it takes, so move forward in confidence.

I hear the objections now! “Are you saying men should take blind risks?” or “What about the failure I can’t overcome?” If you know anything about me, you know that my #1 rule for life is ,”Don’t be stupid!” Always do your homework and research before you leap. Make intelligent and calculated choices before you risk. But move past research and planning to action! If you are afraid of failure, be comforted and motivated by what a wise old friend of mine once told me. He said, “Son, you can’t make too big of a mess that God can’t clean up.” Rest in the strength, courage, and adventurous spirit of our Heavenly Father!

I can’t remember if it was The Great One, Wayne Gretzky or some mid-level manager in an obscure office supply store in the rust belt of Pennsylvania, but I know for sure that one of them said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Listen Intentionally: Humbly Seek Mentorship.

Speaking of old friends, you need them. In fact, you need 3 different people in your life. You need a mentor of father-figure to share the wisdom he’s gathered over time. You need contemporaries who you can do life with and bounce ideas off of. And you need someone to pour into, guide, and mentor.

The word intentional has been used so much over the last few years that I’m afraid it’s lost some of it’s effective meaning. By telling you that you need to listen intentionally, I’m saying that you need to actively, earnestly, and attentively listen to the wisdom offered by those who will invest in your personal growth. So man times we have a proclivity to think that we’ve got it all figured out or that we can’t possibly have time to submit to direction. Sincerely friend, you can’t afford not to be invested in. In his book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge explains to the reader that one of the saddest things that a man could ever say or think of himself is that he is a “self made man.” How lonely and frightening a path that must be to walk? Submit to wise counsel. Be teachable. Listen intentionally.

It’s a really good idea to engage in a peer group as well. This will provide support, encouragement, and ultimately accountability for you and others. Live by Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” We are made for connectivity. You aren’t made to be an island, so get plugged in. (See step one if there are objections) Whether it’s a running or fitness club, Bible study, shooting club, or bowling league, find those that you can do life with and have fun!

Once you begin to experience growth, intentionally pour into those who are younger. This may be a natural fit with your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews. Otherwise, volunteer at a kid’s club, elementary school, or church. As has already been overly-stated, children need men in their lives who will invest in them and help them answer the question “do I have what it takes.” Give liberally. Be kind and honest. Exhibit the same grace and humility afforded to you by your mentor.

Learn Voraciously: Don’t Settle For What You Already Know!

I love Jeopardy!(!) Honestly I’ve struggled to watch since Alex Trebek passed away, but before he died I DVR’ed every episode and watch them all. I know, I’m a nerd! But I know that I have to continually feed my craving for knowledge. Much of Jeopardy! is just fun facts made for party tricks, but there’s something to be said for a man who will commit himself to learning more and applying what he learns.

The man who can’t be taught anything is truly ignorant. There is always, always, always something more to learn. I’ve been told stories about a UCLA professor who would bring a fish in a bowl into the classroom. He would have his students write down things they noticed about the fish. When they would turn it in, he’d ask, “Is that all you noticed? Tell me more.” He would then send them away to write 5 more things. By most accounts, this would go on for 2-3 weeks. (I need to know the secret to keeping a fish alive in a bowl for that long) Most remarkably, the students presented uniquely new findings with each pass at the fish. What’s the point? There’s always more to learn.

Amazingly, you live in one tiny corner of our solar system which is just a blip in the midst of the Milky Way Galaxy. Most astronomers tell us that the Milky Way is one of countless galaxy in the “known universe.” The awesome Creator God put you in the largest, most vast and expansive universe not only so that you could marvel at His beautiful creation, but so that we could know Him more deeply and intimately. Louie Giglio explains all of this so eloquently in many of his talks and books. He talks about the strange and startling shrinking effect that comes over a man who has this revelation. Know this, the God that made all that is, did it so that we may know Him. Yes, know about Him, but far more significantly so that we can know Him intimately and personally.

Don’t settle for what you already know. Grow in knowledge and apply what you learn. One of the greatest marks of manhood is quiet wisdom. Lean into Learning and pursue God’s wisdom.

Work Hard, REALLY HARD: Gain The Competitive Advantage.

One of my favorite stories in all of sports is the rivalry between Earvin “Magic” Johnson and Larry “Legend” Bird. What is arguably one of the fiercest rivalries in all of sports history, these two men were driven to accomplish so much through hard work and determination. Between the two, they only won 8 NBA titles and 5 NBA MVPs! My favorite story from the rivalry (and there are tons of good ones) is the one Larry Bird would tell about practicing free throws.

Both men were known for their tireless work ethic and extreme practice regimen. Second to only Michael Jordan, these two were crazy competitive. Larry would shoot 500 free throws in personal practice. He’d walk off the court and think to himself, “What if Magic shot 500?” He’d get back on the court and shoot 500 more free throws. The rivalry cooled over the years, but one thing for certain was produced by this fierce competition; Greatness.

You need competition. More than that, you need to be competitive. Be fierce in your work ethic. This goes way beyond the “don’t quit” mantra. Instead it’s, “get better, fight hard, work harder!” Put in the time and effort to succeed. In case you’re wondering, this isn’t a “Win at all cost” idea. Quite the opposite. Instead, as we grow in manhood, we’ll gain the discernment necessary to work hard on the things that matter. You can’t succeed in your business to the detriment of your relationships. Relationship are hard work, so apply yourself to them ferociously. Your wife matters, keep pursuing her passionately. Your children matter, so pursue them intensely. George Barna said, “It’s a race to the heart of our children, and the first one there wins.” Strive. Compete. Work Hard. Win!

Stay Hungry: Don’t Get Complacent

There is a real danger in complacency! There’s certainly no problem with being comfortable, but when we lose our appetite, desire, and drive, we run the risk of getting fat. Yes physically, but mentally and spiritually, too. Deep in the heart of every man is a drive to pursue greatness. But, what is greatness?

For a few, it’s being President and Leader of the Free World. For some, it’s leading a fortune 500 company. For others, it’s leading a life that honors and worships God. Success and greatness are not abstract terms, neither are they absolute blanket benchmarks for all people. I think my idea of success comes from a guy that lost his mind. John “The Baptist” was beheaded by the King of the land, Herod, for speaking truth to power. In the Gospel of John the Apostle, John “the Baptist” says, He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30 ESV)

True success comes when I abandon my ambitions and seek first God’s Kingdom. Max Lucado writes about this at length in his book, It’s Not about Me: Rescue from the Life We Thought Would Make Us Happy. There’s something absolutely freeing in the reality that our pursuit of greatness is singularly found in God’s divine purpose. “What’s next?” has been one of my life’s motto’s. Not so much in checking boxes on a to-do list (yes, there will always be more to do), but more in continually discovering and being hungry for what God has for me. He’s a big God with Big Plans, and I think it’s awesome that He allows me to be a part of it all! Stay hungry, my friends!

I leave you with a poem from Rudyard Kipling that I memorized in grade school. I remember so many of it’s lines to this day. Here are the words to IF:

If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;   
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

The Manhood Meltdown

Mitch Prosser

The mess men are in, and how we clean it up.

You read that right! A crisis of epic proportions has swept our country, dare I say a pandemic is crushing our world. Now, I know what some of you who just read that sentence are thinking. Probably something like, “Crisis? Meltdown? Is there really a problem so significant to use such audacious terms?” I’m glad you asked that question. If you’ll keep reading, I’ll answer the questions: Is there really a crisis? How did we get here? And What do we do about the mess we are in?

Is there really a Manhood Meltdown?

The “Manhood Crisis” or “Fatherhood Crisis” that we are experiencing has plagued generations of young men, who in turn, grow up to be men and fathers themselves. The grave danger of this “Manhood Meltdown” is that it is a self-perpetuating downward spiral of disaster.

You see, somewhere along the way men lost their way (or gave it up). We abdicated our role and responsibility to be men. We caved to the pressures of the world to “be big kids” or that real men are somehow exuding “toxic masculinity.” Men of days gone by had sons who desperately craved their fathers attention and approval. When they didn’t get what they needed, these boys grew up to be men very similar to their fathers. After all, that’s who we learned to be. When those young men become fathers, they unfortunately emulate many of the characteristics that their dad exhibited.

This downward spiral is made even more clear in the numbers and statistics. In a report from the Department of Justice (All the way back in 1998), some alarming statistics were found. In their report, the DOJ found that fatherless homes account for:

  • 70% of minors detained in state centers and institutions.
  • 71% of all high school drop outs.
  • 85% of children who have behavioral disorders.
  • 75% of all rapists motivated by displaced anger.
  • 63% of all youth suicides.

In his book The Boy Crisis, Warren Farrell gives a clear picture of the detriment being done to our children (specifically our boys) by fatherless homes. He finds: 

Children from fatherless homes are at a significantly higher risk of drug abuse. Nearly two times as many academic high achievers come from 2 parent homes than single parent homes. In homes where fathers are absent, boys have a 100% more likelihood of being incarcerated than in homes with 2 parents.

What’s striking about these numbers is that they remain eerily constant across social, racial, and economic boundaries. No matter how you parse the numbers, statistics, and demographics one constant remains:

When fathers are absent, children lose.

So how did we get in this mess?

As stated before, we are in this mess today because too many men have caved to the pressure of the culture condemning their “toxic masculinity” while others have abdicated their role and responsibility to be who they were designed to be.

Trigger warning (as if you haven’t had that chance already), men and women are different. We aren’t simply biologically different. We are emotionally different, mentally different, and psychologically different. Clearly stated, men aren’t women and women aren’t men. We were designed differently. These differences in design are vital to the development of children produced by mothers and fathers. A home where a mother and father are present gives children in that home the best opportunity for success. Conversely, a home where both a mother and father aren’t present creates an unnecessary risk of failure for the children living in that home.

Have there been problems with the cultural masculinity of days gone by? Yes, but even more problematic is the dangerous practice of labeling everything that is masculine as toxic. Real men treat women with respect. Real men love their children. Real men give to others through a tireless work ethic. Real men speak into the culture with a voice of strength and honor. Please understand, there’s nothing toxic about true masculinity!

The pandemic of immaturity in so many men in our culture will have long lasting, crippling effects. Of those men who have abandoned their families, some have left in fear and others out of selfishness. No matter the reason a man leaves his family physically or mentally (more on this later), he is wrong. Men, at our core we must be men of character and conviction. We must not abdicate our role and abandon our responsibility to fulfill immature desires or alleviate external pressures.

Life is hard, full of pressure, and responsibility. So man up!

How do we clean up this mess?

This question cannot be answered in full in this article. That’s why I will share an action step every Monday in the weeks to come. To tease those articles and pique your interest, I’ll give you the outline now. In order to clean up the mess that we are in and pull out of the death spiral of the Manhood Meltdown, men must:

  • Grow Up: Follow the path toward manhood.
  • Be Actively Present: Avoid the trap of passivity.
  • Love Passionately: Pursue a life a sacrificial love.
  • Get Support: Surround yourself with men to challenge you.
  • Trust Confidently: Growing internal fortitude, Showing masculine assertiveness.

Please check in each Monday to read my latest article on how we clean up the mess left by the Manhood Meltdown.